I gave up on God. Oh wait - some people just rolled their eyes or are already scrolling past at the mere mention of faith. I get it. Some people passionately dislike the idea of belief, and that’s their choice. But let me ask you something: if you found something that helped you fight anxiety, gave you a reason to live, and carried you through devastating moments - and it wasn’t found in a pill or a bottle - why wouldn’t you at least give it a chance?
Forget the misconceptions about believers - we’re not all the same. Honestly, some Christians frustrate me too when they take things too far. That’s not me. I’d rather have real conversations, and I hope others are open to that too. So consider this a little disclaimer for those tempted to tune out right now: just hear me out.
Only a few years ago, anxiety stormed into my life like a hurricane, trying to wipe everything out - including me. Around that time, I walked away from the one thing that had carried me through so much - my diagnosis of Becker Muscular Dystrophy, the loss of two baby girls, and countless other trials. Life got unbearably hard, and doubt crept in. I wondered where God was. Instead of feeling blessed, I felt cursed.
Things spiraled quickly. A work injury ended my career and ability to earn an income. Panic attacks followed. In just a couple of years, I felt abandoned and broken. Some people would say, “That’s just life. You’re on your own. God doesn’t exist anyway.” Maybe that’s what you believe - and that’s your right. But just like you have the freedom not to believe, I have the freedom to wrestle with my faith.
Over time, I started to accept my losses, but deep down I still carried the weight of disappointment. By 40, I felt like a failure for not achieving the dreams I once had. Yet, I pushed forward. Oddly enough, the pandemic wasn’t all bad for my anxiety - I didn’t feel so alone with everyone locked down at home. But once life “returned to normal,” anxiety returned too, with a vengeance. Panic attacks over simple tasks - taking out the garbage, grocery shopping, even going to church - made life exhausting. My safe zone became my home, but even there, loneliness crept in.
During that time, I fully gave up on God. I thought He was distant, maybe even nonexistent. But looking back, letting go of faith didn’t help. In fact, it left me emptier. Eventually, I learned I had severely low vitamin D, which explained much of the fatigue, shakiness, and panic I was experiencing. Still, relying only on medication and friends felt incomplete.
Here’s the thing - I grew up in church hearing, “God only wants the best for you,” like He was a genie granting blessings. That teaching set me up for disappointment, because the truth is faith doesn’t mean an easy life. We’re not promised that. Even believers go through terrible things.
When life got unbearably hard, I tried to fix everything on my own - and failed. What I’ve come to realize is this: sometimes, the wisest thing you can do is place your trust in something beyond yourself.
If you’ve tried everything - pills, alcohol, distractions, addictions - and nothing works, why not try one more thing? Why not try trusting in God?
I’m not here to “save” anyone, but I am here to say this: lately I’ve been leaning on God again, and it’s helping. Do I still have doubts? Absolutely. That’s normal. But I’ve decided I won’t give up on Him again - because I can’t do this life on my own.
Is life perfect now? Far from it. But the easy life was never promised to anyone - life can get real pretty quickly. What we do need are options that encourage us to keep fighting towards victory!
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